EASY? I DON’T THINK SO!
“Step parenting is the easiest job in the world,” said no one ever! Those of us who are and have been in this position (especially women) know this is one of the toughest roles there are. Now that I am both, I am going to admit it’s harder than bio parenting! Why?! I read somewhere that summed up why it is INDEED harder. With our own children we can be our true crazy silly wacky selves, with step kids this isn’t the case if you haven’t been there since they were babies. We can love them and they can love us but as soon as we cross a boundary (in their minds), they can choose to revoke their love! Our children will love us unconditionally…we are just wired this way! For those of us who love children who are not technically the fruit of our own loins, it can be quite difficult to “parent” them the way we see fit or even their parents see fit.

OH IT’S COMING!
When you first meet or even move in with your soon to be step son or daughter there will more than likely be the honeymoon phase and then you will transition in to the “don’t even think about acting like my parent” phase (sounds fun huh) which unfortunately lasts a lot longer than the honeymoon phase!

THEM AGAINST YOU!
With step children, you will feel like the outsider for a while. Also, if you try to tell your partner something about their child that’s not overwhelmingly positive, chances are they won’t be too receptive. Now that I am a bio mom, I get it. At the same time, you have to be able to communicate EVERYTHING with your spouse or partner which includes negative stuff too. Try to not to attack and say things like “Child’s name is so rude or _____is so messy,” but instead, “Hey babe, maybe we can work on _____’s chores or work on self-control.” At some point you will have to tell your step child no or not to do or to do something and you WILL, I repeat YOU WILL catch some flack and some tude!

TIPS ON HOW TO DEAL!

1) Remove your emotions-I know this is tough for us but try to be objective and put yourself in their shoes.

2) Try NOT to take it personally-

Joe Fox:
It wasn’t… personal.
Kathleen Kelly:What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn’t personal to you. But it was personal to me. It’s *personal* to a lot of people. And what’s so wrong with being personal, anyway?
Joe Fox:
Uh, nothing.
Kathleen Kelly:Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.
~YOU’VE GOT MAIL

This is by far one of my favorite movie quotes or conversations ever! I hate when people say this, and I just wrote it! How can we not take it personally? I know when someone I love says something nasty to me it affects me more than if someone I don’t really know or care about says it to me.
Remember, these sweet and sour little beings are full of emotions. They feel powerless and helpless. I know they can be hurtful little creatures. I know it’s hard but TRY not to take what they say personally.

3) Diffuse, don’t escalate! Keep a calm and steady voice.-Do not REACT. If they are really giving it to you….this is when you go to step 4.

4) Try to handle the conflict alone at first but if that does not work, let the child know you will be telling their parent (especially if that’s the only person they seem to listen to).

5) Before any of this arises, have private convos with your spouse or partner. Discuss how you will handle these situations BEFORE they occur. Communication is key and so helpful in a blended family. In a nuclear family, it is important to remain united with your partner, the same goes for blended families! YOU MUST REMAIN A UNITED FRONT!

6) Disengage. This can mean during the heat of the moment or if it is happening frequently, maybe overall. Try not to be as involved. Allow their parent to do everything for them and you take a step back. Hopefully you and your partner are on the same page so you don’t have to get to this point.

Every relationship is an uphill battle and even more so in blended families, hopefully these tips help you navigate through some tough terrain to reach the top because the view can be pretty great!

Here are some helpful books that have assisted me through my journey and may be beneficial for you!

If you feel helpless or have any more suggestions please don’t hesitate to e-mail me at mamabear@savvymamablog.com