YOU ARE THE ADULT!

Whatever your relationship is with your step kids, close or not, it is up to us to be the adult and emotionally regulate. Wherever you are in your stepparenting journey, I think it is important to not step on the child or children’s biological’s mom’s toes. Now that I am a biological mom, this hits me differently and I know I would appreciate if my child’s stepmom considered me, at least with certain things.

If you are a step mom or in the role of a step mom, you know the line between step and biological are sometimes blurred. It is the slipperiest slope I have ever been on. I have slipped and fallen flat on my face many times.

Empathy is a vital attribute for a blended family to be a success. My empathy comes from the thought of sharing my child with another woman. The other part of my empathy comes from thinking how it would feel to be in my stepson’s shoes. I also think TIME is a critical factor in blended family success! Being a stepmom is on CHALLENGING ROLE!

It has taken some time for my stepson to come around. At first, I was his friend…a playmate if you will. Then, after I moved in his home, had his brother, things became more challenging. He was always testing me. He tested my patience, my love, my smarts, my awareness, my loyalty, and my role as a new mother. I would be lying if I said I didn’t cry…A LOT! I prayed, I read, I communicated…I knew in my gut I had to stick around. In hindsight, I realized he and I needed time. It’s hard enough for kids to deal with divorce and going back and forth to now getting used to another person in their lives. I also stayed consistent. If he got an attitude or was disrespectful, you’ll read in my other posts that I made sure he knew no matter what, my love would not waiver after the dust settled.

TIME DOES HELP

Today, I can truly admit, I love my step child with all my heart. And I think he loves me. When he leaves us, I feel a pain in my heart. It gets worse every day which is a beautiful thing but also a bit sad. When he comes home I want to shower him with love, affection, and attention but not so much that I step on his mom’s toes because I personally would not like that! Weirdly, I would also want my child’s stepmom to treat my son or daughter like their own! However, I would like her to leave the “mom’ stuff for me.

I want to make it clear that I am no expert but so far what I do seems to be working…but who really has any clue!? I am still going to relay to you what it is that I do to ensure that my stepson gets his dose of love from me and never feels like second (or third or fourth or fifth…you get my point) best but also ensuring mom doesn’t feel like I am crossing boundaries with her kiddo.

UNSPOKEN RULES

#1

Try, if you can help it, not do any firsts with your stepchild. If it is taking off training wheels on their bike or (if they are super young) initiating taking away their pacifier. Leave this stuff for mom! Try to be sensitive to this and know that you would not like this if someone did this to you with your child.

#2

If you know of something that is special to only your stepchild and their mom, refrain from doing it. Whether you think it is small or big, just respect their thing! Be sensitive, it’s not that hard!

#3

Be mother-ly, without acting like their mother. This one is tough because obviously the younger the kids, you’ll probably take on the disciplinarian role much sooner.
When the kids are older, disciplining is something that has to develop over time and organically. I think gaining the kids’ respect comes from you giving it, not demanding it. I also mean mother-ly by nurturing them.

#4

Be there for them! If the kids need help with something, offer assistance! It can be homework, cooking, or finding something to wear!

#5

Have your partner’s support. I cannot stress enough….your partner’s support is crucial. If you don’t have this I am not sure any relationships in your household will make it. You have to be a united front! If there is a situation in which you disagree, then talk about it in private! The adults in the house are the foundation and if there are cracks, everything will fall apart! If you need counseling or someone unbiased to talk to, do it!

If you would like to read more of my thoughts on what to do when just meeting the kids or how to bond with your step children check out more of my posts below! Good luck mamas!

https://laundryismylife.com/how-to-bond-with-your-step-children-as-fast-as-theyll-allow/