I was recently thinking about me and my stepson’s relationship and how much it has evolved. It’s pretty cool these days. I wanted to share with all of you some secrets on how we got there (well what I believe got us there).

Most of you know that I am not married yet but I am definitely in a committed relationship. The truth is we planned on getting married and well…I got pregnant first! Even though we’re not married, my role is definitely that of a stepmom. Because we have not said our vows yet, some will say, “Well you’re not an actual stepmom.” Ummmmm but I am! Again, this is my role, maybe not my official title but is it more than that. It is who I am! And you know what else, my stepson’s mom calls me the bonus mom and that’s pretty dang cool!

Back to the purpose of this article,  I finally feel like I have earned my “stepmom” “bonus mom” “my brother’s mother” “this lady that lives in my house” badge of honor! Whatever you want to call me…I feel like the love I have been giving has finally been reciprocated! HALLELUJAH!

When I came into this little boy’s life, everything was fast and furious! When we first met and actually got to spend one-on-one time together we had so much in common…we were both born on a Wednesday, my gate code was the year of his birth, we both loved pumpkin, etc. I like to refer to this stage as the “honeymoon” stage. As far as I was concerned, he was literally the sweetest boy I have ever met. I still feel that way (most of the time).

Then I moved in with him and his dad (in their home). A home in which I referred to as “the bachelor pad.” There was a shift in the hierarchy. It was my partner and my stepson at the top and I was at the bottom. My partner had a bit of “dad guilt” which did not help. I felt like I was this unwanted intruder. When we had our baby, he was  link that connected us all. Yes this transition also had/has it’s ups and downs but overall I think we have reached the point of unconditional love and respect! Today, my love is more “I’ll kill for ya”, whereas before, it was like “aww..you’re my favorite kid to babysit!”

I am going to share some secrets on how to reach this point! Obviously we have external variables that affect this fragile relationship. Variables can include anything from the age you come into their life, your partner’s parenting style, and how the biological mom treats the “situation” with you in their life.

Whatever the case, I do believe the following are the secrets to get to that beautiful pot of gold at the end of the stepparent rainbow!

1) BE CONSISTENT!
Be consistent in EVERYTHING you do! Be consistent in your rules, and your like or love! Step children have a way of testing us more than we have ever been tested. Remember, with our own children, they act like turds but then we get the hugs and the love before and after they are turds so it’s easier for us to accept. With step children, not so much. They can smell insecurity, doubt, and will test your patience. This leads me to my next secret!

2) PATIENCE!
Patience is key. If you feel like you’re going to snap, leave the room or use the restroom and silently scream or cry. Or go inside your car and listen to music while you scream!

Here is why you can’t snap at your step children…they are very forgiving with their bio parent but not you. If you snap they will more than likely be upset with you for a long time (especially if they are older). This will be their “fall-back” anytime they want to complain about you to one of their parents.

Now I do realize you are human and if you do end snapping make sure you apologize but trust me it’s best to try and keep your emotions in tact. You are the adult and have to remember these kids have been and are going through a lot of pain and inner turmoil. The 2 people they love the most aren’t together anymore and now they have to go back and forth. They feel powerless and overwhelming emotions. Be patient and I promise you it will pay off.

3)HAVE CONFIDENCE!
Have confidence in yourself, relationship with your partner, and all of your kids. Know that time will help and everything will improve.

4)INCLUSION!
Include your stepkids in vacations you plan, holidays, etc. Remember your partner doesn’t get to see his kids full time anymore and would probably be very hurt if you didn’t include them. This may go unnoticed for many years but will eventually pay off for your entire family. One of my favorite bloggers, Jamie Scrimgeour https://www.jamiescrimgeour.com , said it best. She said something like one day your stepkids will look back with an adult perspective.

5) PRESENCE NOT PRESENTS!
Be there! Hang out with your stepkids. Give them your TIME, not GIFTS!
I have mentioned in previous posts, side-by-side activities are awesome and as you both feel more comfortable, go places together, go eat and talk! I love watching my stepson play race car video games because his narrative cracks me up.

I think knowing that these things take time is so important because being a stepparent is extremely difficult, especially in the early years but if you build a loving foundation, you and your step child/children could possibly build one of the most special relationships ever! If you have any secrets for me mamas, please share!