We’ve all heard the saying “walking on eggshells,” not sure where or when it originated but I really think this phrase was targeted towards stepmoms all around the world. If this is something you are feeling in your relationship when it comes to your step kids, I assure you, you are not alone.

When my fiance and I first met, we could not get enough of each other. If we weren’t together it  was non- stop texting.  Depending on our schedule, for me it was school and work…and for him it was his son and work.  At the time I just got out of a relationship with a man who had a child and it was refreshing to meet a man who put his child first. That was so sexy to me and a huge part of why I fell in love with him. 

When we decided to take it to the next level, we knew it was time for me to meet his son. Initially I was more nervous than ever-why???? Well, because I was so very in love with this little person’s father and I knew how much my man adored his child!!!! The day came and went well. Before we knew it, we were two peas in a pod. Sometimes he would drop him off at my house and we would go eat pizza or go to the arcade, we had so much fun together. When we drove separately anywhere, my new sidekick would insist on riding with me. It was honestly beautiful, if you’ve read “Tips on How to Deal with Step Child Attitude” and “5 Secrets to Bond with Step Children ASAP” you know this is called the “honeymoon” phase.

Then we moved in together and everything changed, and I mean everything. I felt like my significant other wanted me to be “parental” but wasn’t ready to deal with what came with it. I’m not sure he really considered the backlash that would surface, and boy did it ever. If an argument ensued or his son didn’t listen to me or disrespected me, it was my fault or I was “too sensitive”. I couldn’t say anything less than fantastic let alone give my honest opinion on what was going on here and if I did…YIKES! He more than likely reacted like this because I was criticizing his parenting.

I had to do some digging. Throughout my blog and bio I mention how I have done this step parenting thing before but this was different. So I did what I do best… read. I read, and I read books and articles that helped me see my partner’s perspective and also for him to see my perspective.

After communicating effectively, I learned that he had TREMENDOUS dad guilt. This was uncharted territory for me. In my previous relationship, I wasn’t dealing with a man who was married to his child’s mom. There was no splitting of the family because even throughout his ex’s pregnancy, she was with someone new. He never had “guilty father syndrome.” 

I was now dealing with a man who felt great guilt for breaking up his little boy’s family. Now that I am a mom and see how our child adores our family, I can’t imagine how painful that must have been. The result? He let a lot of things go that he shouldn’t have. 

I sympathetically tried my best to explain that allowing his son to get by with acting disrespectfully or rude is not helping but hurting HIM. Coping skills are extremely important and this is what this little boy was struggling with. If you allow your child to get away with everything they are going to have trouble not only coping but also have trouble listening and respecting authority figures in general. Kids are not able to bounce back as quickly if they are not used to being corrected.

Fortunately, my partner began to see the effects of not taking the bull by the horns. From not winning in a game of basketball, a board game, or even a video game, to making a simple mistake in soccer and not being able to move forward. Knowing how to deal or cope in these day- to- day activities are especially important for kids to become successful adults.

It may sound cliche, but time was of the essence. His son was growing up quickly and something had to be done. My fiance became more authoritative by guiding, correcting, and giving more responsibility in the most gentle and loving way he could. He became more consistent. He knew he was doing the right thing. Sure enough, each day was better than the last. My step son was happier and thriving. Our entire family dynamic changed.

I think part of what contributed to my significant other’s dad guilt as well as our everyday arguments was his past. Due to the ruin of his son’s family nucleus he felt obligated to do more, give more, be there more for his son even when it wasn’t his time. When I came into the picture (4 years after his divorce) my partner was conditioned to have this wall up. He was always on the defense even with his immediate family members who love his son like crazy. Dad guilt can be tough not only on the dad but everyone around him!

Here is how we tackled “dad guilt” together!

#1 EDUCATE! 

We read and learned how to communicate effectively. For example, saying things like “You’re child is so rude” does not help anyone! If you feel the need to speak about the child’s disrespect, try saying something like, “It really hurt my feelings when “child’s name” told me he hates me.”

Separate the action from who the child is. As a mom, I get this! Heck, I get mad at my own child’s dad if I feel like he says anything less than stellar about our son or doesn’t respond to our child’s 3rd beckoning!

#2 PERSPECTIVE!

We both painted a picture for each other so we could try and feel what the other one was feeling. Trying to see through someone else’s eyes really goes a long way. I definitely handled things with a more sensitive heart after I understood what my partner was going through. Something else came to mind that made my heart ache, I could not imagine what it must be like to see your child only half the week! Hey I get it, the LAST thing you want to do is CORRECT your child or discipline them!

#3 U-N-I-T-Y (in my Queen Latifah voice)

Work hard on being on the same page! If the other one does something you do not agree with tell them when it’s just you two privately. When children or step children see the tiniest divide, they will eat you alive! The kids have to know you two are an unbreakable unit!

Trust me, being on the same team, gives your kids so much security! It gives them the boundaries they secretly and subconsciously want! When my partner became a bit more stern, we went through a period of “You always take her side,” which I am sure it was tough for my partner to hear and do but today, not only is their relationship solid, my stepson and I are thicker than thieves! And you know what else? He is overall a happier kid who copes and adapts with the best of them!

So again mamas, Guilty Father Syndrome is a real issue. Navigate through these waters strategically and sympathetically while also making sure you can express yourself. We want to make sure as parents and step parents that our children are equipped to handle whatever life throws at them.

If you have any questions or suggestions for me, email me at laundryismylife2020@gmail.com or ask me on Facebook or Instagram! I would love to help!